a kernel what?: February 2008

Viet Nam Quoc Dan Dang, (Dan Dang)!

at take 5!

at humanz parteh!

vday!

vday with mrs toh!

when online messaging fails

strangely, i'm feeling that my inability to sign in to windows live messenger is somehow comparative to the feeling of being impotent. perhaps it has to do with the fact that I now cannot reproduce, er, nudges?

class camp

With the dreary routine that school is coming to be these days, the class camp has been one of the items placed further at the back of my head. But as the camp draws nearer, I'm actually starting to look forward to it, because my class is AWESOME AND I LOVE 09A01A. There you have it, an open declaration of love you thought I was too cool to spout. So yeah, I'll be out of town this thurs through sun and having a great time with 1a, I'm sure (and I don't mean this "I'm sure" in a sarcastic way like the RI guys do, haha!). But for now, it's finishing up with the finishing touches being applied to my first hist intl term paper, then going on to sea term paper. I sure hope the respite would last as long as it sounds, but i'm pretty certain it'd pass me by so fast, as long as i take to say, "Sibu!".

(You'd notice I'm trying to type in proper grammar and punctuation now.)

how... odd.

dudes and dudettes, you'd realise that i've perhaps been blogging in a very odd manner that is very indirect and hard to read into. well, it's quite likely due to the influence of the blogs i've been reading.

stone me, for being so easily influence-ed!

i'm left wondering, is a tricked-out me still me, but then again, what was/is me?

woo, teetering on the emo, i likeeeeeeeee.

alright now, to sleep.

life's got to suck somehow

figured that i've just got to be as diligent and conscientious as i possibly can these two years. someone mentioned to me about stewardship and what i'm supposed to do as a christian student- hope to find out more. and well, life doesn't suck as much when you find that you have a purpose and a goal to work towards. not for myself, not for myself, i've got to tell me. but it's not easy, i'm about as selfish as anyone out there!

and i think i'm developing a really odd habit of blogging in odd snippets. it's pretty disjointed. shoosh, i guess it's just the way i want to blog for now because odd thoughts pop into my head at odd moments. on a side note i got 57/92 for an odd vocab test today during GP. and it's odd that i can score a respectable score when the only descriptive word i've been using is odd? i'm so odd.

odd is a funny word when you say it, because it rhymes with well, God.

my 402nd post

derek acts cool, well aware that he is actually running the risk of actually being perceived as cool.

yep, i'm trying my best to elicit 'whatever's. ooo, my 'whatever' counter must be pretty busy right as you read the first sentence hahaha.

and YES, i'm about done with my history intercional term paper.

>:(

i'm damn upset tat life as no space for slackers like me. and te fact tat i ave a mulfunctioning h key on my tablet.

off i go now to do my istory term paper.

today was a better day, tomorrow will be better-er!

greetings beings! it's 11.25pm now, and i've gotten home not too long ago, close to an hour ago i guess. and crap, my tablet is really lagging like crazy. it's well irritating! and live messenger is just screwing everything up. horrible.

i'm feeling a little happier today, yay. it's amazing just how a night of sleep and a series of warm exchanges can lift my spirits. it was a fine day, yes. not exactly perfect tho, cause rollason my hist intl teacher knew i hadn't done his homework and wasn't particularly pleased with me! i'm glad he did it in a pretty subtle manner tho. i think caucasian teachers are really cool, as in like they are just... different. i think they hardly ever blow their tops and are really witty. but well, i think it's sorta harder to connect with them? but then again, it's really hard for me to connect with anyone at all. bleh...

so well. alright happy post, happy post. i should stop tending towards reflective, saddening things in my posts!

it's been some time since i've churned out a crappy post eh? haha.

well, so here's what i did today (BORING!):

1) i woke up feeling really sianzzz cos well, i had to wake up! and i really wanted to plunge right back into zzz land? it really sucks when i hear the alarm tone (a tune i hate alot alot alot? derek's wise words of wisdom: never ever set ur favourite song as your alarm tone, cos you'd defo end up hating it! at least i did!), and i check the time on my phone and realise its time to wake up? it feels like the end of the world, totally. it's such a horrible feeling, i think it's a major major reason why most of us hate school. it's the waking up!!!

ok, i'm getting bored myself too. today i went to school, walked back to my sec school to collect something, helped mrs chew my math teacher last time to file her stuff with some ex classmates, which was nice, and then went to dramafeste back at rj. so yep, that pretty much sums up today! and i hope i never get emo ever again, but i think it's pretty unlikely. but derek is diagnosed as pretty fine as of now and hopes he treasures this little bliss while it lasts, cos he has to start working on his history term papers soon. bummer/s.

solution to the wallowing!

i've been thinking, and i've realised that emo's not the way to go and i'm only as depressed as i make myself out to be. life is simple, life is good, and all that i need to do is be myself, go with the flow and devote more time to our Heavenly Father. it's what i haven't been doing, and my world's semi-fallen apart as a result. there, the answer, i reckon, would be in the bible.

i'm pretty sure i'm right this time!

born to follow!

heyz everyone. my blog has been dying of late, and school has been becoming more uh, school-like. yeah, there's probably a relation between the two. it's not that i've been really caught up in schoolwork ( or rather, the catching up in academics) though. it's just that with these worries in mind, i function at like snail pace. and i'm already really finding it a struggle to write like i've always done in the past these days, it's as if i have writer's block perpetually. i just don't feel the flow in my writing and the sentences i churn out are short, abrupt and jerky.

UGHHH.

i can't even blog properly. haha well not that the posts i put up normally are darn proper anyways!

yeah, on another note, i can't help but feel awed/dwarfed/muted/intimidated by my class' superb sense of humour. it's a good thing that almost everyone is so witty though, it really livens things a whole lot! but i feel so strangely muted...

i'm being funny old me again la. i'd like really to speak up more and be more interesting as a person. but i'm about as absorbing as Memoirs of A Fox Hunting Man (not the "intensely humorous" work its proclaimed to be, you'd imagine. or at least to me) and quiet as erm, its spine.

so yeah. i'm feeling pretty much like a freak, ah! and i really wish i were more socially adept. like really. sighhhh. i guess cornroll is the only place where i'd really be me, for now.

and so, derek's greatest wish for now is to have faith in himself and confidence in what he does. like, really.

oh yeah, i caught juno today at the cathay with half of testosterone. haha, and my frailties were exposed big time once again!

ooh, goodness. this year's been the first time in my life i've had so much to think about regarding myself. and freak, my blog's gradually losing it's fly by and get high nature! pretty much reflects how my mindset's been shifted.

shit. i'm wondering if i'm maturing (ie entering real teenagehood) or just being stupid. and i really don't like this one bit! i'm desiring very much to get back to being a kid without an inkling of the angst i'm facing now! seems like it was just yesterday i was a ten-year-old.

retarded phase. i'm starting not to like life very much now.

drowning in sea hist

lotsa reading up to do.... and it's just sea hist! whooooo.

alright, still.

sigh, i don't really relish the fact that i'm on a half-baked connection each time i use the desktop. it's really... grahh. but well, a half-baked connection for someone who keeps churning out half-baked work is kinda apt i guess. eck, i think my GP teacher might have taken note of me and marked me out as a prospective erm... um....

i can't think of a word. oh nooooooooooooooooo. i'm really at a loss, i think i've lost my writing ability (or whatever i had of it) in the matter of a few months of dormancy ( i was actually thinking of this word, but ended up coming up with "docile" at best. so i thesaurus-ed it. goodness.)

so yeah, i was saying. i've been doing badly in all my tests so far. okay so there were only two. okay and they both were for GP. flunked both pretty badly. depressing sia. i got a D for my argumentative essay ( something i've never written since secondary 2) and 3.5/8 for a summary exercise. thank goodness there haven't been tests for any other subjects as of yet, otherwise i'll just flop to one side and hyperventilate then scratch an itchy body part then die.

is this me?

so yeah, the room hasn't been packed, the reading assignment halfway done and the economics term paper untouched. and i'm wondering, is this derek? or at least the derek i want to be?

and the cycle starts again.

it's fun churning out this kinda MAKE-ME-APPEAR-AS-EMO posts. hehehe! but they do have at least some element of truth. so yes, i'm not that of a no-life-r, though still pretty much so.

hmm?

and i'm thinking, maybe i'm saying too much. but it probably is the right thing to do. or could i be opening a can of worms?

mind or heart? rationality or passion/emotions?

welcome to the land of the quandary!

angst?

oh no, it's extreme. if only i could read thoughts, perhaps it would spare me the angst. or maybe it'd only serve to make me angst-ier! ah, how vulnerable i am to whims that aren't even mine!

alright now, off to packing my room and doing my reading assignments.

it'd really have sucked if school tomorrow was heavy. =p

river angbao

and when u're lazy to type long blogposts and happen to have camwhorish photos on hand...

i was trying to cover my big fat stomach, having had a $5 kebab wrap ($%^& scammed!

cai shen dao!

if you're wondering what i'm doing here, i'm counting rats. refer to sign above my head!

happy cny everyone!

and then its back to the dreary routine of school, sleep, shit.

reddest, red, pink!

emo's not the way to go!

i've decided now that i'd focus on the happier things in life and not think too much. i should stop trying to be something that i'm not (cliched, i know)! so here's what i really am, a goofball at heart.

that's me and oreo in the midst of morphing.

and back again. tada

so this is what i've forsaken (for now) my history literature essay for?

hey everyone. i'm trying my best to make this an emo post, cos i've been too happy and la-tee-dah in my life, living life much like an airhead really. perhaps being emo would cause me to become more grounded, rather than just breezing past the days without a single care in the world. i'm not sure if my logic is flawed, but it makes sense to me i guess. i don't know, but emo seems the best way to drag me down to reality, from the airy-fairyness of lackluster living.

i've realised i've been far too happy, abnormally happy for most of my 16 odd years. and it's only about now, this year, that i've come to realise why i've been perenially unaffected and pinned down by life and its woes. it's because i haven't been thinking about the realities of the world and my life and my goals and purposes that i ought to be having. now that i'm into the seventeenth year of my life, and well and truly into jc life, i'm starting to question where i'm headed towards. i'm starting to think of what i'm gonna do with the youth that i possess and the blood that pumps thru my veins. i'm thinking, i've gotta have dreams, aspirations! a purpose! instead of just floundering and mooning about. slipping in and out of a consciousness of what i'm about to do the next hour. time passes me by so rapidly that the next time i bother to check what time it is, i've lost opportunities. opportunity cost, i've learnt in economics. thing is that i've had opportunities traded for nuffin'.

and when i look around me, i see people younger than me, not much older than me and my peers. and i see in many of them something i've haven't had in a while. passion. i don't know if it's just my personality that causes me to be so blase in my outlook towards life, or if its the drive in life that i lack.

And i'm constantly thinking to myself as i type out my thoughts: should i really be doing this? intentionally dragging myself down so that i can turn mature faster, acting emo for the sake of trying to find the adult in me!

and i think, no. this isn't the derek i want to be.

i'll just be ME.

this my class, 09A01A!

i'm starting to like my class very much now despite initial concerns. the class remains very much smarter than me though! and and i.must.start.opening.up.more. i guess i take a longer-than-normal time to warm up to people. is it normal? but then again, what is normal?

ANYWAY. away, away from mundane stuff!

we celebrated cheng suan's bday yesterday!