You could.

A: Sigh... what should I get for she who has everything?

B: Now now, how can anyone have everything?

A: Well she appears like she has everything, for she wants not and lacks not.

B: How would you know, A?

A: It's just the feeling I get, B, that when someone is so self-sufficient and seemingly complete...

B: You know not what's lacking within her do you? Now how would you know what's within her heart?

A: That's true. But it's a freaking birthday present, B! What do you expect me to give her, love? Yech!

B: Yeah love! No one can ever get enough of love. Well love to me is like a pleasant dessert buffet that doesn't weigh heavy on a bottomless stomach...

A: What on earth, B, you're not making any sense. What are you, in love?

B: In love, yes, oh so in love with the one who's loved me, A. I am in love, for I have been given love!

A: So who's this most visually-challenged girl?! Spit!

B: Nope, not a girl, but someone who loved me so - so much so that He was willing to die for me! He who walks with me and talks with me, along life's narrow way! He who is with me in times of despair!

A: Oh no, it's you and your religious nonsense again...

B: Yes, religious nonsense to you, my life to me. Have you had joy in your heart, A? A joy so complete and so beautiful, and everlasting?

A: Well there was this time I went 10 seasons unbeaten in FIFA... but that was that, 10 seasons. Nope, no, B, I haven't found such joy. Have you?

B: I have A, and you could too. Anyone could. I could never convince you wholly, A, but I want this joy for you.

I apologize Albert. I wish I could take back my words.

On the 2nd September, I posted an entry. An entry which I regret most profusely posting, and I apologize. Now I question again my allegiance to Liverpool Football Club - and why I am of little faith. The following excerpt was what I had posted almost a couple of months back:

(Since I am a template noob, I am unable to do a coolio screenshot or add in any coolio effects. But I appreciate me. )

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Javier Mascherano is a double gold medallist

And Argentinian football's first, no less.

You know, I'm afraid that may be the only thing Liverpool may have to boast about right now, at the end of the season, or maybe *gasp in the seasons to come. Looking at the state of the squad and the quality of the signings Rafa's made these months, I have to admit that even for the most optimistic Liverpool fans (not me, probably), a title challenge is a tad too much to ask for of this squad. Great, now we've gotten rid of baggage (Voronin, Riise...) that's not likely to turn our squad into a title-winning, or even challenging one, we go get ourselves more. Notwithstanding Robbie, we've got ourselves a handful of mediocre or at best average players. What do players like Dossena, Degen, Riera and a couple of "promising" young players spell out for the 08/09 season?

FOURTH, if we're fortunate. I mean, we're happy with a draw at Villa Park? And now that Spurs and (LOL) Man City have been spending big on quality players, we've got quite a job holding on to that coveted (read $$$) final Champions' League qualification spot.

It's do or die this season, Senor Benitez.



I cringe at my lack of faith when I read through this post. It's funny, for it is most unlike me to be a cynic, pessimist or skeptic. Is it me, or is it within the rest of the human race to feel more about something that actually matters to you? LFC definitely matters to me, so I might have penned (ok fine, "penned") that entry in disgust, in disappointment over the perceived poor transfers. I usually am blase about most matters, so it is rather contradictory to my nature to express an opinion or emotion over something.

Unless of course, it's something that matters to me and something I keep dear in my heart. So right now I question the things that matter in my life, and my faith (this time, religion) jumps out at me. I am not entirely glad that it is the first thing I think about, for I am unsure about why it pops straight into my mind. Maybe it's because I have been thinking about it the past few weeks. By right I should be glad, (but not overtly, for it really should be at the top of my head anytime) but I find that it may be jumping out at me because it is obligatory and required of me. I wish I could feel more.

Today I was made to ponder over the strength of my faith, for I find that I tend to yield more easily than I should be. I was also intimidated, and overawed (a little), by the rigorous, relentless questioning.

On the other hand, I was encouraged, I was heartened and felt joy too.


But you know, at the end of the day, I'm just glad that He lives within my heart, and that's the only way I know and I can prove, that He loves me, and YOU!

You ask me how I know He lives?

He lives within my heart!


It's 11pm, I should sleep! Tomorrow I will wake up early, settle some stuff on my ever-increasing to-do list! And the afternoon will be great.

He walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way!

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

I am content, very content. I am happy, very happy. There's great joy in my heart!

P&C.

What P&C stands for, for I am in no mood to permutate and combine:

1) Pepper and condiment,
2) Paper and cutlery,
3) Prodigy and creeps,
4) Plate and cooking-wok,
5) Plane and cabin,
6) Plastic and container,
7) Panama and Caribbean,
8) Plasma and canteen,
9) Putty and car,
10) Pension and cure.

I tried making sense... lost it by number 7. Mr Tay must not see this, for he will shred my heart to pieces and crumbs.

Snippety 2.

I think snippet is a wonderful word. Repeat it fast. See what I mean? I mean, hear what I mean?

It's really delightful, this word snippet. If I had a pet dwarf I would name him Snippet, because it's just such a dwarf name.

P&C - ponder and contemplate.

iLike.

Well you see, a teenage love life is very much like having a diarrhoea. For a crush is comparable to a fart, and when it happens you don't know if it's the real thing or not, whether it would culminate in something solid or not.

No, I am not harbouring a crush or someone, nor am I having a diarrhoea. Let's call this a "in hindsight" kind of post shall we? Not a very pleasant one though, I'm afraid.

Erm... on to P&C.

Snippety.

Swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.

For the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Meek, gentle, peaceful.


Easy... but difficult!

Facebook.

What is the point of Facebook? To reassure? To secure?

Well, to me Facebook is where I am. I am pretty much neutral towards it.

Meanwhile, cornroll remains the place where I am me!




What a pointless post. What a pointless post.

I waste time here.

Cornroll's a waste of my time. I really should be doing P&C right now, for my Math tutor (whom I dare not look in the eye now) has implored 1A to bring along our P&C tutorial.

What am I doing here?

C&P. Create and Publish Post.


Get well soon Tze Ern, nice talking to you Kartik, sorry for ignoring you Scrappy... work hard Derek...

I think that

next year will be an awesome-r year, because I have spent this year making friends, and next year I will have friends to spend the year with. This year has past by so fast, I know not what has struck me. And yet I fall flat splayed on the ground and the next year comes around to hit me while I'm down.

And oh yes, I've been promoted! Yahoo!

This is funny, weird funny.

Why am I so tired? I hardly do anything, and I am tired. I think I was born to sleep.

But no! I must make my existence more meaningful, and I hope I have the past week.

It's beautiful, this life, both the 1/3 of it awake and the 2/3 of it sleeping. I beam in delight, and the screen beams back.

Heartened.

Hey everyone, this will be a rather sane post and completely unlike the utter rubbish that was the previous post, which grows in absurdity each time I read it over.

This moment I come to the Create Post page encouraged and in high spirits, for I am heartened by what has happened through the day.

It's funny that my spiritual life is only invigorated this year in secular, seemingly academics-focused RJC whereas it had been staggering and threatening to fade away through my 4 years in Catholic High. Perhaps its the maturity of the people around me now in junior college, in addition of course to my coming out of the all-boys school childishness affliction. I am thankful that around me I see more and more shining examples who live in God's glory and are able to encourage and awaken me from spiritual laziness. It is wonderful, really, to have been placed in places where I am able to grow spiritually by God's grace.

And I hope that I am able to keep the love of God burning in me and that I may be of good testament to his Word and lead a life that is more Christ-like. It is very, very tough and a struggle to lead a life as far as possible without sin, but I believe that it is possible through prayer and consumption of the Word and will gradually become easier as I grow stronger in faith.

I am encouraged, and I am heartened, and I am excited.

I have broken free

I am bound no more. 

On another note, I have grown to be extremely ill-disciplined the past few years. No good, my table is cluttered with mess and I haven't re-pinned the Simpsons posters that have fallen down. 

On another note, it is the third day and I am already faltering. I am disappointed.

The brain.

I've got it. 

You see, our brains function on two levels. It's very much like a water filter. 

The first level of our brain is the net function, which serves to catch whatever thoughts that pass across our head from the left ear to the right or from the right ear to the left, depending on which ear you listen with. The second level is the processing function, which serves to well, process the thought and internalize it. 

For example, (and I am not entirely sure myself) I'd like to think that I listen with my left ear. So my left ear captures intellgible sound, translates it into thought, passes through my brain and comes out through the right ear as ear wax. 

And I don't listen very well, so like 3/10 of the sound crystallizes as ear wax upon hitting my left ear, and my brain doesn't function very well on the net level too, so a further 1/2 of the remaining thoughts seep through the porous net function. That's 7/20 of the original sound I actually absorb into the process function of my brain. And my process function is rubbish too, and I believe (rather strongly) that the most it can digest effectively is 1/20. 

So that's 7/10 x 1/2 x 1/20 of an original sound produced that I internalize, which equates to 7/400 of it. Wow, I must say I'm pretty accurate. 

So let's say a sentence of 400 words is translated into weight (come on, it is possible. how do you explain an image becoming digitalized?). I'd say it's about, say 400mg? 

I'm a pretty popular person, so my 2 friends do speak to me quite a bit. So let's say they are five times my age and female (or koo or celine or sambor or kartik or shinyi or jiawei, the more talkative ones in class), the worst case scenario, and that means approximately 50000000000 words get spoken to me a day... 

What the freak I get 393/400 x 50000000g of ear wax in my right ear each day! 

Heh this is the most math I've ever done on my blog. Fun fun. 

A commitment, a lifestyle

It's hard, it's really tough to lead THE life. Nothing a little prayer cannot achieve though. 

Quoting Grace's favourite phrase - "Push on!" 

Hoping it will click in gear soon! 

The Bangles - Walk Like An Egyptian

Corn-fused

(Title is not in reference to the maize version of the Siamese twins, but really just a poor pun that I deviced that tries to put together Cornroll and confused. Yes, even the best fall down sometimes. )

Well, the moment I switched the URL of my blog from springstein.blogspot.com (which was really a poor spelling of Bruce Springsteen's surname) to cornroll.blogspot.com some 3 or 4 years ago, I felt my life had changed. hahahaa.

The title cornroll was pretty much random. Sec 1 and 2 was when I felt it cool to be associated with corn, and somehow this queer and most unlikely infatuation grew into something bigger, but it fortunately came to a gradual decline in Sec 3. It's all a blur now really, but I do think I wasn't quite in my right mind in lower sec, or through the whole of secondary school. It might have been a Catholic High thing, or perhaps I have *drumroll* matured. I think I have, undoubtedly. Just look at the earliest posts I did, I shudder when I see them. 

So yeah, corn. I did fancy eating the vegetable/fruit (?), but I admittedly exaggerated my liking for it haha, just so I could have an identity, and that identity was founded in corn. Which was most bizarre on hindsight, but it might have made sense to me then, for I was in cat high. So this translated to me trying to relate everything I did to corn, and tadah, cornroll.blogspot.com was conceived. Cornroll was pretty much fabricated out of nothing, I probably had cornrow (the hairstyle often fancied by African-Americans) at the back of my mind. I also thought that (and still think, actually) swissrolls were lovely and comforting confectionary produce, and I kinda wanted cornroll to be that way too, to be where I baked my most treasured memories (haha this is perhaps taking it too far). 

Well 3-4 years on, I think it has been quite a delight blogging on cornroll, I find myself most at ease typing at the Create Post page and am able to articulate best on this page, unfortunately (?). Well fortunately too, cornroll's also been an outlet and domain through which people are able to see what I am thinking, for cornroll is where my thoughts and my words converge and align most coherently. I do notice that I am a rather different person outside of cornroll, and that is scary to me. I don't know, I just can't act out my craziness as easily as I word it out hahaha. Which may be quite a good thing actually heh. Well, what vlogging debacle? hahah. 

Hmm but well, lately I have been finding it harder to blog on cornroll, because (as you may have noticed) I am very much easily swayed by the opinions and expectations of people. It is their gaze that makes and moulds me, and that is very bad I feel. I am a victim of peer pressure, nooooo! Haha. But I guess everyone is, to a certain extent. I mean, come to think of it, I think cornroll's been one of the greater achievements in my life, because people actually read it. So sometimes, and more so recently, I question why I am actually adding input into cornroll. Previously, when I blogged, I just did so without thinking about what the people reading it might have thought, but now I do factor in what people might think as I word out the post, and I must say that it does affect the way I blog. 

I think I have tremendously frail mental strength. 

On to PW I&R!

I&R

This day I try to carve insights and reflect upon the half a year process that has been PW. 

This day I also have a throat infection, an itch, a stomachache, a scraped right knee oozing fluid, an infection on my right knee to come, an abused thumbnail on my lefthand.

This day I am reminded I am human, just like the rest of the days I've had, and the days to come. 

Okay, on to insights and reflections regarding Project Work, which seem so mundane now! 

An attempt at normality.

edit - I tried to blog last Friday, but I didn't finish the post and left it to be edited. Today I came back to it, but I realize I have no mood to blog. So here you go.

It's 10pm, it's not the time of the night when aliens descend furtively upon our planet, not the time the weirdest of thoughts descend upon my mind. 

I am relieved, and I can now revert back to the way blogs should function and that is to blog about the day's happenings. Which kinda makes it boring, but well, I've gotta keep it this way for if I go on a streak of bizarre posts again I might well cause readers (and perhaps myself) to doubt my level of sanity. 

So here goes, a normal post. 

This is one of the 2 pet rabbits I have at home. But it's really more my sister's, because she's the one cleaning the cages, feeding them and playing with them. I just do the loving. Hmm not exactly actually, I haven't quite been talking to them as often these days, because I'd figured weeks ago that rabbits are really quite dim. Cute as they are, cuter than dogs imo, I think people still get dogs because dogs actually respond. But still, rabbits are pretty adorable. It is a fact that is demonstrated by this picture I've inserted. You know when a sentence is really not required. It is cumbersome and excessive. 

Today I went to the hwa chong with henry, koo, sambor, tik and banglah. The weather was hot, crazily hot. 

The first thing that struck me about hwa chong was the cheena gate reminiscent of both my cat high and ai tong school gates. 

The second thing that got to me was this sign on the left, which effectively reinforced our ideas of a link between communism and hwach. The guys were going on about how everything in the canteen might cost the same, how the statue of tan kah khee was very much like a dictator's, how the queues for the free ice cream (later to be dismissed as a poor rumour) might encircle the school and how there might be youth communist movements within hwach. It was all very much fun and laughter and in no way insensitive to the culture of hwach... So I sniggered amidst all these suggestions, trying and failing at the same time to shelve aside the fact that I'd spent 4 of the last 5 years in communist green bermudas. 

The third thing that struck me was how very huge the school compound of Hwa Chong Institution was. By the time we made 

Wah.

I don't think I should blog in the wee hours anymore. It's scaring me, and I think I'm way too cranky, even by cornroll's standards. 

Funny.

Seriously, cornroll's taking a toll on my mental health. It's like, once I go on the create post page my mind develops a mind of its own. Scary! 

Shoot, is cornroll where I am me? It's descending into something deeper and darker, and my happy soul is perturbed and threatened. 

I should make a movie out of this.

Siao ah?

You siao is it? 

No, I not siao. 

You siao lah, donch bluff me. 

Yes, I siao. I happy I siao. 

You think you very funny isit? 

Yes I think I very funny. 

I tell you, you are siao. 

You donch believe what other people tell you lah.

This is not other people tell me one, I can tell you are siao.

I not siao la. See, I not siao. 

Its times like these I worry myself. The time of the night, the time of the night. How to grapple with thoughts that wrest control over an idle mind? Study SEA hist. Juuuuuuuuust kidding! 

I am inspired.

Or in spirals! 

Ah, to base your sense of self upon the judgements and perceptions of fellow men as clueless as you are. Not wise, unwise. Inwise! 

Whirl whirl whirl, round and round, I not know where I go. 

I go sleep. 

Why?

What on earth am I here for? 

What am I here on earth for? 

What for am I here on earth? 

What am I here for on earth?  

These questions weigh heavy. 

I think I do know the answer. I hope so. 

Ah, to question the meaning of existence, to ponder the reason I am, to muse about the life in me! 

Overwhelming, simply overwhelming. 

Toodles. Actually it's quite simple la. 

The story of a Dirty Fish and A Lonely Baked Bean.

There was once a deep-fried piece of fish meat battered, oily, tasty and ready to be eaten. Life was cruel, the piece of fish meat was unfortunate. 

Upon hitting the green canteen table trodden on by scavenging mynahs and wiped by bacteria-infested dodgy-looking (in terms of cleanliness) rags, fish meat in case was unceremonially abandoned from Stall 4 plate. 

But it wasn't all grief, for there was baked bean. Bean in case was not the most appetising, bean too was unceremonially thrown out of plate. 

Dirty Fish and Baked Bean sought solace in each other. 

I'm sorry, this title had so much more potential. But it's 1.45am, and I'm dry. Will work on story another time. Can be extremely powerful and meaningful, this story. Salivate. Will spend time on this. In the meantime, my bed beckons! 

Here it comes.

I have no school tomorrow, so I'm here at the computer, and it's 1.30am in the morning. I'm falling sick, there's a throat infection kinda lump forming in my throat. I reckon I'll be having a sore throat very soon. Not good. 

Haha, on a brighter note, I'm going for the hwach open house later on in the afternoon. It'd be cool to check out the choice second in pecking order on my PAE application form. I'm listening to "That's Not My Name" by the Ting Tings right now, which can be the most irritating song or a rather interesting one. It's 1.35am, I blog slow and am tired. 

I am feeling funny at the moment. I like it that I have feelings and thoughts. I like it that I can interact and understand. I like it that I'm breathing and kicking. It's cool, I'm a lifeform. Not just a lame amoeba, but a human being. It's a priviledge, a burden. A wonder, a responsibility. Funny, I think. 

Pretty cool.

Does three make a spree?

Hi, I'm back. It's addictive, blogging on cornroll. I enjoy it, I must say that there is certainly a self-indulgent angle to blogging. 

I like cornroll, because it is like a friend I talk to. Ah, I've unravelled the mystery of "Dear Journal"! Just that I don't like very much to address cornroll in that way, because if I had my way (and I do), cornroll would be the manliest thing (if that's possible), and would cringe and throw me on my back if I do a "Dear cornroll" or dress him up in a pink template. 

Cornroll, you are my best friend! Yes you, and our dear friend Mr Create-a-Post-page. 

Shit, I am damnz weirdz siaz. Something wrong. Well, it's late, that's why. 

Cornroll: Yes, it's late, that's why. Or maybe not, for you are you when you are with me. 

!!!!

Hmmm, somehow I don't think blogging on cornroll is very healthy for me. I'm beginning to take it a little too seriously. But if I do get paid... what's a little insanity?  

Of a $2 banknote and I guess Cornroll, Yusof all my problems thank you.

I realise I make a rather poor emo blogger, because I end up cheering myself up somehow towards the end of the post, usually. That is good I guess, but I do wish there was more wrist-slitting and self-mutilation on this blog, for that probably makes for more interesting reading. Because you see, I read my own blog too. 

-From Zi Ding to Derek. Both of whom are in a rather confused state of mind. 

 *this is also an edit that can be inserted at the end of previous post, "Of serious note".

Of serious note.

Well, I've just gotten over the temporary elation which was the moment Dirk Kuyt slammed in emphatically Liverpool's third to complete an amazing comeback against Man City and all their Abu Dhabi funding. Usually I'd go on on a ramble about footy, but today I restrain myself for it is late. 

It is late, and the mind starts whirring into unwanted action. It's the quiet of the night, the dark of the night, that perhaps sets me thinking over the what-has-been's and the what-might-have-been's. And it is unfortunate that sometimes these are not the pleasantest of thoughts, especially at this hour, and on this day. It's unfortunate that I lapse into this mood once in a while, and it weighs heavy upon me. It weighs heavy upon my heart as I am typing this, this which I would likely regret typing!

I think I have figured out the trigger cause of these musings though, and that is good. 

Ah, out of sight, out of mind. So true, and the converse too. Haha I'm actually in a poetic mood, sortof, even though my idea of poetry now very much differs from what I used to think a year ago. So I shall not delve into the self-indulgence that is poetry, or "poetry". 

It is unfortunate, terribly unfortunate, most unfortunate, that I am afflicted such. I wallow wallow wallow in self-pity! 

My heart is turned to a skipping stone; I strike it, and it hurts my hand.  Haha I am just kidding, PW members, if you do read this. This post has nth to do with PW, that was just random. 

Ah, poor post. I apologize. But it is too late. Hahaha ok by now I am kidding, I'm not that poor. Ah, but my mind, still very much in a stir. 

A little less conversation?

I think not, Elvis.

I think the human connection is something very beautiful and cannot be replaced by anything in the world, no matter what advancements technology makes. It's like, the difference between a metallic AIBO dog and a living, breathing dog that responds to treats and hugs. I had a good conversation with Tze Ern today in the evening. It was cool, and I've got to get to know my other classmates better as well. It's not that I don't know them, I just don't know them very well.

It's never been a natural instinct in me to talk or strike up a conversation. I'd always thought that I was an introvert not blessed with the art of conversation. I think I still am, to a certain extent. Approaching someone to engage in conversation is something that does not come naturally to me, and sometimes I do it with a slight sense of trepidation, for fear of running out of things to say to sustain the conversation or being greeted by a none-too-enthusiastic response. Yeah but well, I guess people do have their days when they don't feel like talking. I guess I'm pretty much the same too, some days I feel a little awkward talking, some days I'm kinda hyper and wanting to talk. Funny.

Sigh, it's almost 2am now and I'm not very inspired to blog, for I am tired. But I guess I've got to continue before I forget what I wanna type haha.

It's only occurred to me this year the importance of conversation. I've hardly had any serious, heart-to-heart, soul-baring conversations all my life prior to JC. Which might have been a waste, since I really enjoy such conversations and think they're imperative to any relationship that's founded upon mutual understanding and being on the same wavelength. It's heart-warming to be able to tell someone about your life and hear about theirs. Really! Perhaps I'm coming of age, I'm growing up, so I find that conversations are more important than ever right now. It might have been quite possible that throughout my secondary school life, converse to me was more an American shoe brand than a way to reinforce a relationship.

I just yawned. I'm tired haha. I'd been out 48 hours hehe. And there's Liverpool-PSV at 3am later on. Must... keep... awake...

Yeah so to conclude I think conversation is great and I resolve to make more conversations. Haha. Good night.